The following is a leaked cross-border, multi-faith manual entitled Sex versus Ireland – There can only be one: A Guide for Reproductive Instruction, formulated by the major churches on the island. It’s to be adopted by the Churches’ political wings and education boards on the issue of sex education in schools, north and south of the border.
Gràtia Dòmini nostri Jesu Christi, et càritas Dei, et communicàtio Sancti Spìritus sit cum òmnibus vobis.
A Guide for Reproductive Instruction.
1. Emphasise that there was no sex in Ireland before the internet. Bits of you just dropped off and grew. And no-one spoke any more of the matter.
2. Bewilder the pupils with arcane diagrams of the stamens of flowers, the inner workings of bus engines and phrenological head measurements. Refer to the male and female ungodly parts only in Latin and with terrible foreboding.
3 Words that are acceptable: zygote, parthenogenesis, flagellation etc. Words that are wholly unacceptable: pleasure, orgasm, moist etc.
4. Invite questions at the end with accompanying body language (see diagram. 2) that will extinguish an infinitude of prospective questions. Conduct the question and answer session in an atmosphere of deathly silence, surveillance and likely recrimination.
5. Make it clear that sex is a necessary evil at best, for which sufficient purging must take place in turn. Recommend that they apologise to their wife/husband immediately after insemination has occurred.
6. Have the lesson taught by someone who has never actually had sex or ever will. Unfortunately, for various reasons, this may be less possible than it once was.
7. Insert the topic of puberty into the middle of proceedings. If the students can’t reel in horror at their own bodies, how will they reel in horror at someone else’s?
8. Generally give the impression that reproduction is a matter of witchcraft/science, requiring a pentagram and a chemistry set in the bedroom.
9. Sex must occur only in the bedroom, behind a door that has been nailed shut. The room should be bleached thoroughly afterwards. If no bleach is to hand, burning the house to the ground and pouring salt on the ruins will suffice. Ensure no-one builds on the site for seven generations.
10. If the subject of a person being attracted to another person of the same sex arises, ignore it. If it persists, open a window to let the demons out. If it continues further, begin speaking in tongues until the bell rings.
11. Condoms will be referred to as ‘French letters’ or ‘unmentionables.’ They should only be spoken of whilst holding aloft an ikon of a weeping baby Jesus. The officially sanctioned method of sex is entitled ‘Vatican Roulette’ or, for our Presbyterian brethren, ‘Playing Battleships with Paisley.’ Abortion is strictly forbidden, whatever the circumstances. It is to be referred to as ‘that English problem’ or alternatively ‘Export.’
Ite in pace, glorificando vita vestra Dominum